Princess: A Parody
by antilogicgirl
Summary: A farm girl turned princess, Spanish swordsmen, an evil genius, a prince with an agenda, a strong man, a miracle man, and really big rats. Naruto and friends star in Princess: A Parody.
1. Act 1: Prologue Death of Love

**A/N: **First, I'd like to say this--I'm not ripping on The Princess Bride. It's my favorite movie of all time. I would also like to say that I respect William Golding's writing, and that I am in no way, shape, or form attempting to copy his style. The characters in this story take his characters and add a different dimension to them. Or, at least that's what I'm fooling myself into believing. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I would also like to say that because I'm blending characters, o you lovers of Naruto, there will be some OOC. But don't let that discourage you. There will also be points where I deviate from the main plot line of The Princess Bride ever so slightly, but that is only so that I can explore characters and give them more depth. Now that you have been warned, proceed at your own risk.

**Legal Stuffiness:** I do not own Naruto, nor do I own the Princess Bride. This is written in respectful homage to both.

Enjoy, and please don't kill me for this.

* * *

**Princess: A parody.**

The Players:

Montoya Sasuke: a Spaniard.

Vizzini Shikamaru: an evil genius, and Sicilian

Sakura: a farm girl, a princess

Fezzik Gai: a man of extraordinary strength and a talent for rhyming?

Orochimaru: a prince

Jiraya: a miracle man

Tsunade: the miracle man's wife

Tayuya: an albino henchwoman

Count Itachi: a Spaniard, with six fingers on his left hand

Naruto: a farmboy, a pirate, a hero

And various others.

* * *

**Act I: Prologue; Death of Love**

She was a simple farm girl, once. Her life was happy. She lived in the country, with her father, her mother, thirteen cows, twelve pigs, six chickens, a rooster, and a horse. There was also a farm boy who lived in a shed at the back of the property. The farm was well kept, all through the valiant efforts of the farm boy, Naruto. Back in those days, Sakura had been bossy, and snobbish, for someone who grew up on a farm. She was the talk of the province, really. None of the men wanted anything to do with any of the other women if she was around. Her flawless skin glistened in the sun as she rode through town on her horse, creatively named "Horse." There were men who would trip and fall as they watched her go by, her long pink hair flying in the breeze behind her.

But, for all of this attention, she was quite oblivious. Other than her obvious favorite pastime of riding, she took pleasure in terrorizing the farm boy from morning until night. She would tell him to fix the roof on the chicken coop, to shine the saddle for her horse, or simply to fetch something that she was closer to anyway, but wanted him to get for her. Through all of this torture, he simply smiled softly, and said, "As you wish." This went on from the time they were twelve to the time they turned eighteen.

Suddenly, one day, she saw him working in the field, with the cows, and she felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, because she couldn't breathe. He was standing there, talking to the animals as if they were close friends in that oddly endearing way of his, and the sun was shining on him just so, making his golden hair seem like a halo. "Farm boy!" She called to him. This was how she always called him, because she never really used his name, but he didn't seem to mind. He came trotting over to her, and looked at her with a mildly expectant expression. "Farm boy, get me my horse. I'd like to go for a ride."

"As you wish." Sakura blinked as she stared into his eyes. They were like the color that the sky always wanted to be, but never really achieved. They were beautiful, and until he looked away, she could have sworn that she saw something warm and inviting there. It reminded her of the feeling she had curled cozily into her stomach just then. He strode off purposefully, as he always did when she ordered him to do something. It was as if her order gave him a reason to move, a reason to breathe. And she realized then that when he said "As you wish," he was only really saying, "Anything for you. I love you."

Now, he came back with Horse, and smiled thoughtfully at her. She took the reins from him, smiling back. "Thank you, Naruto." His eyes widened slightly, but only for a moment.

"Sakura?"

"Yes, Naruto?"

He never finished what he was about to say, because he simply stepped forward, and in that awkwardly adorable fashion that seems to pervade such events, kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, barely even there. Sakura's hand seemed to forget Horse's reigns, and she simply dropped them, in favor of throwing her arms around the boy's neck, giggling madly. "I love you, Naruto."

"I love you, too Sakura."

--

It was not long after this heartfelt confession that the pair decided they would marry. Naruto, having no money, decided to become a sailor. He was taken on as a cabin boy on a merchant ship, and sent her letters every time the ship came to port. Then, one day, the letters stopped. After months of waiting anxiously for his letters, Sakura began to grow worried, and then, one day, a letter finally arrived for her.

"Oh, I just know that it's Naruto, telling me he's alright!" Then, she saw the handwriting. It was not his. The seal on the envelope belonged to the merchant company that he'd worked for. Her hands shook as she tore the seal away, and unfolded the thick parchment.

_Dear Madame,_

_It is my grave duty to inform you that your fiancé, Naruto, a sailor on board the merchant vessel Achilles, met his untimely death last month off the coast of Portugal. When the ship was nearing port, the black ship of the Dread Pirate Zabuza attacked. As you know, Zabuza never leaves survivors. You have my greatest sympathy, and my condolences._

_Sincerely,_

_Hatake Kakashi_

_Chairman of Operations, _

_Bastille Trading Company_

_Marseilles, France_

Sakura screamed. She cried. She locked herself in her room for a week, not eating, not drinking, not doing anything but crying softly to herself, and whispering everything she had never said to her beloved Naruto. How could he be dead? He was so full of life that he seemed to bring light into any room, and chase the clouds away when rain was threatening. He just couldn't be dead. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

But as the days passed, the fact that it was indeed very real began to sink in, and her crying slowed, and then came to a stop. She emerged from her room seven days after receiving the letter, and cried no more. No matter what, Naruto would not want her to cry. He would want her to smile. That was how she decided to honor him. She would no longer mourn him. She would attempt in some way to bring to others the light that he had brought to her. During her waking hours, she did a fine job of not crying. She smiled, talked with others, and even laughed occasionally. It was when she slept that her body shook with silent sobs, and she dreamt of her Naruto.

* * *

**A/N:** It's short, I know, but it's only a prologue. So, good, bad? Melodrama? Mmm? Tell me. This one, I'm really anxious about. 


	2. Act II: Inconceivable!

**A/N:** Ok, so here's Act II, or if you like, Chapter 1. Unlike most of my fics, this one has very little foul language at the moment. That won't come until later. So, there's only really one warning I have for you. Because this is a blending of two groups of characters, there will be OOC. It's ok. It's fun. Oh, and I should probably tell you that Shikamaru (Vizzini) goes off the deep end.

**Legal Stuffiness:** I do not own Naruto, nor do I own The Princess Bride. This is written in respectful homage of both.

Enjoy.

* * *

**Princess: A Parody.**

The Players:

Montoya Sasuke: a Spaniard.

Vizzini Shikamaru: an evil genius, and Sicilian

Sakura: a farm girl, a princess

Fezzik Gai: a man of extraordinary strength and a talent for rhyming?

Orochimaru: a prince

Jiraya: a miracle man

Tsunade: the miracle man's wife

Tayuya: an albino henchwoman

Count Itachi: a Spaniard, with six fingers on his left hand

Naruto: a farmboy, a pirate, a hero

And various others.

* * *

Act II: Inconceivable!

Four years passed, and the renoun of Sakura's beauty only grew. One day during the second of these four years, on her usual ride, she happened upon the royal hunting party. She, of course, did what any lowly peasant would. She moved off to the side of the dirt road, dismounted, and knelt in the grass by the roadside, eyes downcast. For a moment, it seemed as though they would pass her by, and she would continue her ride.

However, that was not to be. The group of riders came to a halt just before they reached her, and Sakura listened as they whispered amongst themselves. She heard a pair of feet approaching, and was told to stand. Obeying, she kept her eyes staring straight at the feet of the man in front of her. She could see that his boots were of a fine, soft leather, and that his cloak was made from the best wool. A gentleman.

"Well, I would say that this is that famous country beauty we've heard so much about, wouldn't you say so, your highness?" The voice was deep, and almost hypnotic. A hand took hold of her chin, and she took this as a cue to raise her eyes to the man's face. When she did, it was all she could do not to scream. The man had red eyes, the color of freshly spilt blood. His smile held no mirth whatsoever, and it sent a chill down her spine. From behind the man, another voice came. This one was more gentle, but it seemed only to be that way on the surface, like the velvet sheath of a dagger.

"My, but I would agree. She is lovely." Sakura dared not look over at this man, because she was sure it was the crowned prince, Orochimaru. He was spoken well of in public, and everyone smiled when he walked by, but beneath that carefully displayed loyalty was a barely restrained fear. This was a dangerous man. There was a reason he was called "the Snake," she was sure, but she didn't want to find out what it was. The soft-voiced man said in a way that seemed to indicate his displeasure, "Count, I believe you're scaring her. Let go, please." The Count, whoever he was, released her, and Sakura's eyes lit back onto the ground.

"My prince, a word." The count whirled around, and Sakura tried not to pay attention to their conversation, which they weren't truly trying to hide. "She would do nicely, would she not, my lord?"

"Yes, I believe she might. But there's the problem that she isn't a princess, you know. My father is very old-fashioned. He will require that I wed a princess." The velvety voice had taken on a pensive quality, but Sakura thought she heard something else in it, which she did not entirely like.

"But, Prince Orochimaru, we could always turn her into a princess. There's that small bit along the eastern border, the one that's nothing but rocky crags and marsh. We could let her have that. Then, she would be a princess. No, she would be a queen." This Count was quite persuasive, it seemed. She did not like where the conversation was headed. Were they talking about making her a princess, and marrying her off to this snake of a man? Thoughts of Naruto invaded her mind, and she nearly broke down into tears. For his sake, as always, she held them in.

In a dismissive tone, the prince said, "Go, Itachi. Make it so." Had she missed something? She had tuned the conversation out for a bare moment, she knew, but she hadn't thought she really missed something important. Apparently, she was wrong.

The Count Itachi, as she now knew him, walked over to her and said, "Girl, what is your name?"

Looking the man in the eyes, she said, "Sakura, my lord." Her tone was one of utter defeat. His right eyebrow twitched upward, but only slightly. This was a man who did not surprise easily. Instantly, when she looked almost defiantly into his blood-red eyes, she labeled him dangerous. Perhaps more so than the prince she was apparently supposed to be marrying now.

"Mount up, then, Sakura, and lead me to your home. I have matters to discuss with your parents." A growing fear had just sprung to life in the pit of her stomach. She did as she was instructed and, from the corner of her eye, looked over at the prince. This was a man whom, in the not so distant future, would be her husband, she was sure. The thought was not pleasing, as she beheld him.

He had a fall of long, inky black hair, and skin so pale she wondered if he were somehow a dead man who decided to walk around. There was an unpleasant smile tilting his lips, and his eyes…they were even more disturbing than the Count's. All gold, with oddly-shaped pupils, she suppressed a shiver as they settled on her. Taking as deep a breath as she could, she steadied herself. If she was going to marry this man, she was going to have to be able to look him in the eye. As she did so, she suddenly realized why they called him Snake. His gaze held her in place, much as she had heard the cobras of the foreign wilderness did. After a moment, she blinked. She would not allow him to get the better of her. Sakura had her pride, and she was not about to allow him to take that away, even if he was going to be taking away her freedom.

Sakura was a smart girl, and even with the missing bit of the conversation, she could tell that whatever the impending marriage may entail, it would not include love. Under any circumstances, from either of them. But she could pretend. For Naruto, she could pretend.

* * *

Two years later.

After a year of preparation, the engagement had been announced. Sakura had been learning to do everything from how to curtsy ("Not too deeply, dear. Ah, that's better."), and which fork to use for what ("How many times must I tell you? The smallest fork is for the snails!") to how to sound like she was being nice while insulting someone to their face. It was all beginning to tire her out by the time the engagement ceremony came around, and she was truly glad that she was going to have a year to be doing nothing but actually being a princess, so that she wouldn't have to have classes on how to do so anymore.

Now, it was only a month before her wedding day, and she was resigned to her fate. Every day, she ate with the prince, and he tried to charm her. Oh, he came off as charming, but he just wasn't Naruto. She was polite, smiled, and on the off chance he was funny, she would laugh. He would bring her gifts, and walk her to her room at night, giving her a small, gentle kiss on the cheek and say good night. Orochimaru was nothing but a gentleman to her. She should be grateful for all that he did for her. Sakura knew that she was going to have to deal with this for the rest of her life, but she simply could not even consider loving him. She had taken to spending more and more time with the horses in the royal stables, or out on long riding excursions, alone.

On one such ride, thirty days before the wedding, she reined in the beautiful bay mare she had been riding, and stared into the faces of three very odd characters. One was tall, quite tall, with broad shoulders, odd eyebrows, and a very wide smile. She thought he might not be quite right in the head, but he seemed harmless. Next to him, there was a rather handsome young man with black hair and very dark eyes, an expression of utter unconcern on his face. Instantly, she decided he reminded him of herself. The last, a shorter man who at first seemed to be a hunchback, straightened when she stopped. He had only been slouching quite low.

"Good afternoon, my Lady," The slouching man said in a drawling voice that seemed to drip boredom. "My pardon for bothering you, but we seemed to have lost our way. Can you point us in the direction of the nearest town, that we may find our way back to where we've come from?" Sakura nearly blinked. He seemed to be a very odd man, his hair drawn up into a high, spiked ponytail, and heavy hoop earrings in both ears. His manner of speaking was strange, as well. It seemed very circular, as if he was talking all the while, but not really saying anything at all.

"There isn't a town for miles." She said, looking down at the motley trio.

A sly smile crossed the short man's face. He said, "Then, no one will hear you scream. Fez…you know what to do." Sakura's strangled scream echoed in the clearing before she sank into unconsciousness, the large man's hand having squeezed off the blood supply to her brain just enough for her to be knocked out cold.

* * *

The large man, Fezzik Gai, by name, caught the tiny woman as she slipped from the saddle of her horse. He cradled her like a baby. "Vizzini, why did we have to hurt such a wonderfully pretty lady? She seems nice enough."

Vizzini Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Because, you moron. We're starting a war! That's what we're being paid for. Gyah! So troublesome. Now shut up and get the Spaniard to bind her."

The dark haired young man with the brooding eyes glared daggers at Vizzini. "I have a name, you know." He tied the woman's wrists together, trying not to look at her face. This was just business after all. The three of them got paid to instigate conflicts, and they actually made pretty good money at it. Thinking that they may need her to walk, he left her feet unbound.

"Yes, I know. Your name is Montoya Sasuke. I've heard that enough, especially when you're drunk." Vizzini's eyes rolled in an almost tired way. He was becoming annoyed with his two henchmen. One was the strongest man in the world, and the other the best swordsman in creation, but sometimes…he just wanted to poison them to rid himself of their troublesome presence. The thought was becoming more and more pleasant by the second, since Sasuke and Fezzik were now starting their stupid rhyming game again.

"Shut up! Fez, you've got a brain the size of a peanut." He fixed his piercing gaze on the giant, and it did absolutely no good, as he was drawn into the game.

"Oh, you don't really mean it!" Fezzik's rhyming was his chief form of amusement, and it was during this game that the Spaniard, Sasuke, seemed to shed his forever-annoyed mask, and loosened up. Occasionally, Vizzini would allow this, but right now, they were kidnapping a princess, and they had to stay focused.

"Slant rhyme doesn't count, you dolt. Now, cut it out. We have to frame the country next door." He took out a bit of cloth and stuffed it haphazardly under the saddle horn on the princess's horse, then gave the creature a vicious smack to its left flank, sending it charging back the way it had come.

"What was that, Vizzini?" The Spaniard's voice drawled, with a slight lisp that is characteristic of that nation. His curiosity was only mild, something to do in order to pass the time.

"A piece of fabric from the uniform of a German soldier. When the horse gets back to the castle, they'll find that, and instantly assume that the Germans have stolen their precious princess." Both the giant and the Spaniard leaned away almost comically from the look that crossed the Sicilian's face. A smile that resembled what one usually only saw in an asylum had come to rest on his face, and it was frightening. Fezzik and Sasuke knew that smile. It only surfaced when Vizzini was being extra-specially deviant. "Now, let's get going. If we're going to make it to the Cliffs of Doom by morning, we've got to get the boat!"

After walking for some time, they came to an inlet on a sheltered area of the coast, where they had tied up their small sailboat. Once onboard, the princess was put into the small hold, and the Spaniard set to unfurling the sail. Fezzik took the rudder in the stern, and Vizzini stood in the bow, watching out for rocks and other hazards. It was at this point that the two resumed their game.

"Fezzik, do you think there are rocks ahead?" Sasuke's voice was unusually playful. Vizzini's tired expression began to dissolve into anger again, but it would take at least two complete rhymes before he would explode.

"Ha! If there are, we're better off dead!" Fezzik had an idiotic grin plastered to his face as he steered the boat, and Sasuke chucked as he sat in the middle of the yard 1. It seemed that the two of them were making it their mission in life to torment him.

"Hmm. Why does Vizzini hate your rhymes, Fez? It isn't as if they do him any harm." Sasuke was looking down at the smoldering Sicilian, barely repressed glee in his eyes.

Fezzik laughed out loud. "Maybe it's because he lacks…charm!" It took a moment for him to come up with that one, but once it came, he nearly dropped the tiller 2, and only got control of himself when the Sicilian mastermind nimbly crossed the boat in the blink of an eye and jumped onto his back.

In a dangerous voice, he said, "No more rhyming." His dagger was drawn, and held at the giant's throat. The tall man swallowed audibly. He nodded his head jerkily, obviously not wanting the Sicilian to use the point of the dagger for encouragement. The small man slid down from his perch, and stalked back to the bow.

Swinging down from the yard on one of the ropes that was usually used to lash the sails in place, Sasuke smiled kindly at Fezzik. "Don't worry, my large friend. We just need to work on our—" he looked cautiously over at Vizzini before continuing in a lower voice, "—timing." The enormous man's face split into a grin, happy once more. He used his gargantuan hand to ruffle the Spaniard's dark hair, and nearly knocked the man overboard.

"Ack! Fez, please! You really don't know your own strength, do you?" Sasuke looked up at the giant through his utterly disheveled hair, groaning. This seemed to be a pattern. Vizzini could never tell which one was more of a moron. The almost constantly drunken Spaniard, bent on revenge, or the always-stupid monstrous imbecile who seemed born to be nothing more than a prizefighter? It didn't really matter. As long as they got to the cliffs by dawn, they were home free, and they could kill the woman in peace and quiet.

Things were rather peaceful for a while, with some light conversation, and Vizzini only had to keep them from rhyming again once. Then, around five in the morning, when they were no more than a league or so from the Cliffs of Doom, Sasuke piped up from his perch on the yard.

"Vizzini, I thought you said no one is following us?"

"No one could. How could they possibly know where we are, or that we took the princess? Even if someone does, they wouldn't have found us yet. It's inconceivable." He crossed his arms, staring ahead, waiting to see the cliffs.

"You sure?"

"Yes. It's inconceivable."

"Then what is that?" Vizzini looked up to see Sasuke pointing behind them, at a small rectangle of white in the distance.

"It's just a fisherman, out for a joyride…in waters infested by sea serpents and electric eels."

Sasuke slid down from his seat, and came to rest on the deck. "He looks like he's gaining, Shikamaru."

"I told you never to call me that."

"Fine. He looks like he's gaining, Vizzini."

"Inconceivable!"

Furrowing his brow in irritation, Sasuke said, "You're supposed to be a genius, not me. You keep using that word, but I'm not sure that it means what you think it does. The man obviously is gaining on us. So it is also conceivable that he may know about the plan you concocted, or, he might be trying to steal her out from under us."

Vizzini's eye twitched. "Are you drunk?"

"Do I look drunk to you? Have I had anything to drink? No, I'm not drunk, Vizzini."

"Then why are you questioning my logic? I have more brains in my pinky finger than you have in your entire brandy-soaked skull. Now shut up!" A large vein had begun to stand out from the Sicilian's forehead, and there was a mad look in his eyes. Yes, a truly frightening, crazy-as-a-loon light had ignited behind his gaze, and Sasuke's hand strayed instinctively to the intricately filigreed hilt of his sword. Raising an eyebrow, Vizzini said, "Don't even think about it, you drunken idiot. Ingrate! You should be thanking me for pulling you out of the gutter. When I found you, you were so drunk, you couldn't even speak. Now, you're going to pull a sword on me? Try it, and see what happens." He was fingering the hilt of his dagger.

Sasuke's hand moved away from his sword, and he crossed his arms over his chest. "Hn," was all he said.

All the while, Fezzik had been operating the rudder, and they had now come to the cliffs. Vizzini hopped in place. "We're here! Now, Fez, get the harness." The large man took a leather harness and strapped it to his chest. There were three loops hanging from it. Suddenly, they heard a splash. Vizzini whirled around, to see the princess swimming away.

Sasuke leaned over the railing of the boat, screaming, "Are you insane, woman? Get back here!"

Vizzini squawked. "Fez, turn the boat."

"But we're already parked!"

"Just do it, moron! I swear, if you say one more thing that I find in the least bit troublesome, I'm going to drop you off the cliff once we get to the top." The little Sicilian's voice had begun to crack, and he had a string of spittle hanging from his lower lip. The others merely stared. "Get moving!" At this, both of his henchmen worked to get the boat turned.

Once the boat was turned, they came up next to the princess, and suddenly, there were horrific shrieking noises surrounding them. "Do you hear that, princess? That's the sound of the sea serpents inhabiting these waters. They always get louder when they're about to feed. How long will you last?" The woman looked at him with a mixture of fury and outright disgust. He couldn't care less. He was getting paid to start a war, but he wouldn't get his money if there was not a body to find. "Now, get back here."

She swam toward the boat, and screamed the entire time. Apparently, the serpents and eels were toying with her, brushing against her legs. When she was close enough, Fezzik scooped her up. He threw a blanket over her, and said, "Are you ok, pretty lady?"

She eyed him warily. "I'm fine."

Vizzini said, "Good. Now let's get moving! Our friend is gaining rapidly." The boat was sailed back to the edge of the cliffs, and the Spaniard, the princess, and the Sicilian all had loops placed around them, Fezzik found a concealed rope, then began to climb.

After about half an hour of this, Sasuke looked down. "Vizzini, he's gaining on us."

"Shut up, you lush! Fezzik, I thought you were the strongest man in the world. Obviously, I should be in the market for a new giant." Vizzini knew exactly which buttons to push to make the man do what he wanted.

"Oh, please, Vizzini, don't say that."

"You were supposed to be this massive edifice of a man, this unbeatable god. And yet, he gains! Do you want me to put you back where I found you? Unemployed, in Greenland?" Fezzik started pulling them faster up the rope, but still the man, all dressed in black, was closing the distance between himself and them.

"Vizzini, he's only got himself, and I'm carrying three people. I don't think you're being fair. I'm not as young as I used to be. If I were still in the bloom of youth, then you'd see." The Sicilian muttered darkly in Italian, which neither the Nordic giant or the Spaniard could understand, but the tone spoke volumes. Finally, they reached the top, and deposited the princess on the ground, Fezzik panting as he sat on a rock.

Sasuke peered over the edge. "He's less than a hundred feet from the top of the cliff now."

Vizzini's evil grin returned. He took out his dagger, and moved to the edge of the cliff, sawing at the rope.

"Now, Vizzini, that's not very nice." Fezzik panted, staring at his employer in disbelief.

"Not another word, you oaf." Vizzini's dagger waved in the direction of the giant, and his mouth shut with a click. Once the rope was cut through, it quickly slid over the edge. Vizzini poked his head over the brink to watch the man in black fall to his death. But he wasn't falling. Not at all. He was clinging tenaciously to the cliff face, finding purchase in some of the crags. "Inconceivable! Montoya, wait for him. See if he falls, and if he doesn't, take care of him once he gets to the top."

Sasuke looked thoughtful. "I'll have to fight him left-handed."

Vizzini's eyes bulged. "We don't have time for this, Montoya. Just finish it quickly."

"He's so persistent, it seems a shame to waste his energy by cutting him to pieces quickly. I'll fight him left-handed, and catch up to you as soon as I can." Sasuke's eyes were glazing over, already thinking of fencing strategies.

"Fine. But don't take too long." The small man trudged off, the giant walking next to him, carrying the princess.

* * *

Time was ticking slowly away, and Montoya Sasuke was not a man known for patience. Well, there were things he could be patient for, but waiting for this ever-persistent man to climb to the top of the cliff was not one of them. He leaned over the edge of the cliff. "Hello! Hello down there!"

The man's lips twisted in some semblance of a sardonic grin. "Yes? How can I help you?"

"Will you hurry up? I have to kill you and then catch up to my boss." The Spaniard smirked down at the man, who had paused his upward movement in order to speak with him. He saw that the man was wearing a mask over his eyes and nose, and a black bandanna over his hair.

"Sorry. I'm a bit busy trying to get up this cliff. You'll just have to wait. That is, unless you want to lower a branch or something." The man was clinging to the cliff face as a spider would to a wall. Sasuke wondered briefly how it was that he was sticking to the rock like that.

"I have some rope up here. I could throw some down, and you could climb up."

From the distance of thirty feet, Sasuke could see the man in black's eyes narrow. "How do I know that you won't cut the rope?"

"I can give you my word as a Spaniard."

The man in black shook his head ruefully as he once again began to climb, grunting with the effort. "No good. I've known too many Spaniards. You'll have to wait."

Sasuke looked up at the sun. It had been almost an hour now. This man needed to get to the top of the cliff so that he could kill him. Hesitating only a moment longer, he made his decision. Looking down at the man with a fixed gaze, he said, "I swear to you, on the graves of my family, I will not let you fall." The man in black's eyes widened, then he blinked. The seriousness in the young Spaniard's voice was obvious, and this man seemed to know that.

"Alright then, throw me the rope." Sasuke unwound the rope from the large boulder, then secured it around another, closer to the cliff face. He lowered it down to the man in black. Once he had the rope, he made the climb very quickly. As soon as he got to the top, panting for breath, he drew his sword.

"No, my friend. You are winded. I am an honorable man. Wait until you are rested, then I will kill you." He smiled at the man in black. This was business, after all, and he was always fair when it came to business.

"I thank you, sir." The man in black, a slender, willowy man, sat heavily on a flat boulder. "So you say you're supposed to kill me?"

"Yes, strictly business, you understand. But first, I want to ask you something." Sasuke swallowed. "Do you, by any chance, have six fingers on your left hand?" The man in black raised his hand. There were only five fingers. Sasuke nodded.

"Why do you ask?"

Sasuke thought for a moment. Then, he supposed that if he was going to kill the man, he could tell him. "Well, I'll tell you. I am looking for this six-fingered man. He killed my family. My father, one of the noblest sword smiths in all of the world, was commissioned by this man to make a sword the like of which had never before been seen. When the man returned to collect the weapon, he would not pay the agreed upon price. My father argued with him. The six-fingered man stabbed him through the heart, and killed the rest of my family, too. I was the only one to survive. He gave me this." Sasuke pointed to his left cheek. There was a long, thin scar that stretched from his cheekbone to his chin. "The six-fingered man left me for dead. I have been studying fencing since then. I was five. Now, I look forward to the day when I can look at this man and say: Hello, my name is Montoya Sasuke. You killed my family…prepare to die."

The man in black said, "What got you involved with the kind of business you're in now?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Not much money in the revenge business. Vizzini said he had use for my steel. I make money, I try to find the six-fingered man in my spare time."

"Well, everyone should have a hobby. Is that the sword you spoke of?" The man in black motioned to the sword sheathed at Sasuke's side. Smiling, Sasuke unsheathed it, and handed it over to the other man. He was not sure why, but this man was so honorable, he felt himself able to trust him. "The work is exquisite. I've never seen it's equal."

Sasuke smiled sadly. "Nor will you, sir. My father was the best."

The man in black stood, brushing off his bottom. "I'm sorry for your loss. Should we get this over with, then? I'd hate to keep you." His voice was sincere, without the slightest hint of sarcasm.

"You're so considerate. I thank you. Engarde."

* * *

**A/N:** Now, the next chapter will include their lovely fight scene. Hehe. We still have a long way to go. I know Sasuke is really out of character, but who cares? He's funny. You have to develop a sense of humor in the 'revenge business.' If anyone's wondering, the whole reason I started this fic is because I love the Princess Bride. I was thinking about the character Inigo Montoya, who always said, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father...prepare to die." Then it hit me. Revenge. Inigo...Sasuke. Evil genius...Shikamaru. Buttercup...Sakura. Evil Prince Humperdinck...Orochimaru. Oh, and let's not forget making Tayuya an albino henchwoman with a very foul mouth. I feel evil today.

**Sasuke:** So, how's my acting so far? Should I be more angsty? I'm a little worried, this is the first time I've done this.

** Shikamaru:** Hm. This whole thing is troublesome, but it is a little fun. I get to order Gai and Sasuke around. How often does a regular Chuunin get to do that?

** Sakura:** You're doing great, Sasuke-kun!

** Naruto: **Hey, don't worry, teme. At least they didn't kill you in the **_Prologue_**

**antilogicgirl:** I think you guys are doing a fantastic job. I mean, it isn't that often that I get to write a re-make with such fun actors to write for!


	3. Act III: A Duel, A Brawl

**A/N: **Mmm. This chapter took longer than expected. I suck at action most of the time, so there isn't too much descriptiveness there, but you get the picture, anyway. In this chapter, the man in black tackles fighting Sasuke, as well as Fezzik (Gai). You also get a smidgeon of insight into the characters of the two henchmen. I wanted to address some concerns that have arisen about my casting choices. Casting is difficult, especially when you have such a small group to work with. The only problem people seem to have is the issue of Naruto playing the character usually referred to as Wesley. Here are my reasons for choosing Naruto for the part:he's blonde, he's sweet, he worships the ground Sakura walks on, and would do absolutely anything for her. He also has a bit of a jealous nature. There. You've seen my reasons. I have also decided to play up the jealousy in this fic, to make Naruto's portrayl of the character a little more believable. So there. Hopefully, I've satisfied those of you who had such concerns.

**Legal Stuffiness:** Oh, come on, I don't own Naruto, silly.

* * *

**Princess: A parody.**

The Players:

Montoya Sasuke: a Spaniard.

Vizzini Shikamaru: an evil genius, and Sicilian

Sakura: a farm girl, a princess

Fezzik Gai: a man of extraordinary strength and a talent for rhyming?

Orochimaru: a prince

Jiraya: a miracle man

Tsunade: the miracle man's wife

Tayuya: an albino henchwoman

Count Itachi: a Spaniard, with six fingers on his left hand

Naruto: a farmboy, a pirate, a hero

And various others.

* * *

**Act III: A Duel, A Brawl**

Sasuke drew his sword with his left hand. He was going to enjoy fighting someone who had a bit of tenacity and, apparently, not a small amount of honor. Usually, he was stuck with opponents who had no talent, or will. Either that, of they were completely rude. The man in black drew his sword, also in his left hand.

"You seem rather confident." The man in black said this in an almost lazy manner. Almost. Sasuke's trained eyes could see the subtle signs that told him that the man was itching to begin, just as he was. The way the man positioned his feet as he made ready, the tension in his shoulders, and any of a multitude of other small things alerted him to the man's true state of mind.

Sasuke smirked. "Of course I'm confident. I have trained in the art of swordsmanship for thirteen years, every single day. Every teacher I have had, I have beaten. I am the best there is." This could have been taken for sheer conceited bragging, had it come from anyone but Sasuke. He truly was known as the best swordsman in the world, albeit only in certain circles. One doesn't advertise such things if they are in the business of starting wars and taking revenge.

On his first advance, Sasuke used a simple but elegant series of forms that terminated in a sharp lunge, but the man parried him easily. That move had taken the royal fencer to the shah of Persia by complete surprise. But this man had seen it coming! He renewed his assault, but to no avail. Then the man in black was on the attack, and he was forced to defend himself from blows raining down on him from what seemed to be all directions at once. He was being forced up a steep, rocky slope. When he was halfway up, he parried the man forcefully, giving himself enough room to flip over the man in black.

Sasuke landed behind him, and began his attack anew. He was surprised when the man started backing up the slope of his own accord, drawing him up with him, almost as if he were luring him…directly into a trap. Sasuke's teeth were now on edge. What was he up to?

The man in black fought furiously, jumping to and fro, just as he did. Then, he threw his sword, and it landed in a clump of grass near where the plain began. He took a running start, and as Sasuke watched, dove off of the slope, and just when it seemed that he would fall and break every bone in his body, he caught his feet and then rolled gracefully. Standing, he plucked his sword up from the ground. Sasuke was getting slightly annoyed with this man. He did not seem to want to engage him.

"I thought you were a gentleman, sir." A slow smile had begun to spread across his face.

"I am. What are you smiling for?"

Sasuke slid down the slope, coming to rest not ten feet from the man in black. "Because I know something you don't." He rushed forward, attacking with renewed vigor.

"And what is that?" The man in black asked, parrying his latest attack of fevered blows.

As Sasuke retreated a step, he tossed his sword lightly into the air, catching it in his right hand. "I am not left handed." He renewed his assault, his steel blurring as he advanced on the other man. He seemed to be gaining th upper hand. That was good.

"I have a confession to make, Sasuke." The man in black said in an almost bemused way in spite of having to defend so furiously from Sasuke's lightening-fast attacks.

"Which is?"

"I'm not left handed either." The man in black's sword flew over Sasuke's head, and this slight distraction caused him to turn around quickly to intercept the other man. The dark-clad man caught his sword in his right hand.

"Who are you?" Sasuke's curiosity was now piqued.

A completely insolent smile crossed the other man's face. "No one of consequence."

Sasuke shook his head. "I have to know. Who are you?"

"I think, my friend, that your life will have to be filled with disappointment. What's left of it, anyway." The man in black attacked him head on, not as he had earlier, but with blows so fast that his sword could simply not be seen. It was all Sasuke could do to keep himself from being sliced to ribbons. He began to sweat, his arms to tire, and he was worried that he could not keep this up. Then, he slipped up. He allowed himself to be caught in one of the oldest traps in fencing. Their swords fought to gain the high ground, crossing and uncrossing, and the man in black used this to hook his sword point into the basket guard of his blade, effectively pulling his sword from him, and sending it sailing through the air.

Sasuke watched the man in black catch his sword. He knew it was over. He was unarmed. Exhausted and defeated, he knelt before the man. "If you are the honorable man I think you are, make it quick. I don't want to linger." The man in black walked over to him. He looked down on Sasuke with a slight smile.

"I would sooner smash a stained-glass window in the oldest church in the world than kill an artist like yourself. But you do understand that I can't have you following me." With that, Sasuke's world went black as the man used the hilt of his own sword to club him over the head. Just before he sank into unconsciousness, he heard the man say with a laughing voice, "Please understand, I hold you in the highest respect." Sasuke's final thought was that this man was truly honorable, but rather annoying. Moron.

* * *

Fezzik was carrying the princess, and chatting away happily. He was asking her about what she did for fun. She was telling him that she didn't do much other than riding her horse. It was during this conversation, around four hours after they'd left Sasuke, that the princess looked over his shoulder, and gasped. "Who is that masked man?"

Vizzini looked lazily over his shoulder. "Inconceivable!" Following this, the man let out a string of obscenities in Italian, which Fezzik was glad he did not understand. "Fez, give me the girl. You take care of that pest. Squash him to jelly, break his bones, whatever. Just get rid of him. Then, meet me where we agreed."

Fezzik smiled kindly at the little princess. "I'm sorry little lady. You're going to have to go with Vizzini now. Please do as he says. He gets angry easily." He hoped that she didn't do anything to make his small employer angry. He didn't think she would be quite so pretty after the Sicilian got finished with her. She nodded, and then smiled at him. Fezzik blushed to his ears. He wished that Vizzini could start his war without having to hurt the lady. She was very nice, and so pretty!

She was unceremoniously dragged off by Vizzini, who looked like he was ready to get the job done with. He had been getting very annoyed with Fezzik, and even though Vizzini might not know it, Fezzik was highly aware of this. There were times when the not too bright giant, just like everyone else, simply felt like being a pest. The large man leaned against an even larger rock, peering around it, and waiting for the masked man in black to get close enough for him to attack.

Just as the man in black passed by a boulder fifteen feet from him, he threw a small boulder at him. The man dodged, as expected, diving off to the left, and the small boulder exploded against the larger, leaving something of a crater where it hit. The man in black got up from where he'd landed, and stared open-mouthed at the fresh damage to the enormous rock. "Well, I'm glad _that_ missed me."

"If I would have wanted, I could have hit you, and smashed you into jelly." Fezzik's voice was just as calm and good-natured as it usually was. "Now, come here like a good little boy, and I'll kill you so I can catch up to Vizzini." In his less than bright brain, this request was completely rational, so he didn't understand why the little man was laughing.

"Why on earth would I do that? You don't expect me to actually _let_ you kill me? Without even a little bit of fight? Where's the fun in that?" Had Fezzik been a smarter man, he would have heard the mocking in his playful tone. But as he was rather low on the intelligence scale, he simply thought that the man was being nice. He smiled, hefting another rock, considering his next move. The giant didn't like killing people. He really didn't. But this was his job, and he didn't want Vizzini to put him back in Greenland. He'd been annoying Vizzini all day, and he and Sasuke—wait! Where was Sasuke?

If the man in black was here, then that meant that he must have killed Sasuke. Fezzik's eyes widened with that revelation, and he choked back a sob. "You killed my friend, didn't you?" The good humor was gone from his tone, and the man in black's eyes narrowed. Fezzik hurled the boulder at him. The little man jumped out of the way just in time, or he'd have been squashed into a very messy puddle.

"Who, the Spaniard?"

Fezzik nodded.

"I did not."

"But then, why are you here, and he isn't?" Fezzik's mind was still trying to wrap itself around that. Why would he not have killed Sasuke? The man was quick, and he seemed like he was smart, so if he had defeated Sasuke in a fight, then why had he not killed him? Fezzik was starting to think he'd been around Vizzini too long. He was starting to lose faith in his fellow man!

"He is lost and confused. I'm sure he has a long road ahead of him, after he's done with this little detour. Besides, he's fun to fight. Maybe I'll find him again and we can fight again. How about you? Want to fight me? I won't use my sword, you don't use any unusually large rocks. We'll kill each other like civilized men." The little man had a way of speaking that reminded him a lot of Vizzini. It was confusing for a moment. Then, when his mind had done processing all of what the man in black had said, he nodded.

"Okay, but no weapons. My mother told me that people in masks are not to be trusted." That made the man in black laugh, and then suddenly, the little man was rushing at him, and had punched him in the stomach. "That tickles." He looked down at this amusing little figure that was now running around him. He swung around, keeping the man where he could see him. It was funny, fighting someone who was half his size. It felt like he was playing with a little kid.

Then, Fezzik blinked. The man performed an elegant back flip, over Fezzik's head and onto his back, putting him in a less-than-graceful headlock. Try as he might, Fezzik could not pry the little man off of his throat. He was slowly losing air, and he needed that if he was going to figure out how to squash the man into jelly and catch up to Vizzini. He swatted over his shoulder at where he thought the man' in black's head would be. "I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with you. You're in the blossom of youth, as is only fitting of a worthy opponent, but you're the size of a grasshopper."

"Everyone has their own problems, my friend. But, out of curiosity, why are you working for that little annoyance that I'm chasing?" Fezzik could hear the little voice next to his ear, which had grown louder, and he decided to try another approach. He turned around, and started backing up, aiming for the largest boulder in the clearing. When he backed into it, he heard a loud "oof!" next to his head, and knew that he had found a way to get the man off of his back. Now, if he could just remain conscious long enough to do it…

"Well," Fezzik heard himself say, "I was big. I was always big. In my village, back in Greenland, I was the biggest person there. When there was a festival, there was always a fighting tourney. I won, ten years running. Then, people got tired of one-on-one matches. I fought local gangs for charity, and that's when I met Vizzini. He said that he had a use for my strength, and that I wouldn't have to fight so much, just lift things and stuff like that. I thought it was a good idea at the time." He was starting to see spots. The little man's arms had become impossibly tighter around his neck. The black spots before his eyes grew, and merged together. He couldn't see anything as he hit the ground, face down. Then, he couldn't hear anything either, because he blacked out.

* * *

The man in black pushed himself off of the thick-eyebrowed giant. That had been incredibly difficult. He wasn't sure how long it would take the big lug to wake up. For a long moment, he simply looked at the man. How was it that such a kind-natured giant and a severely misled young Spaniard came to work for that obviously evil little Sicilian? As he began to walk away from him, massaging his shoulders, he thought that under other circumstances, he'd have liked to be friends with them.

Now, the princess was a different story. He had only one use for her. All he could think of was the ransom money. That's all he would allow himself to think of. If he thought of anything other than that, he started seeing the world through a red filter, and then he'd get really angry, and then he'd explode and kill someone. The whole situation was bad, and he knew it. He just wanted to kill the Sicilian, grab the girl, and ransom her to that disgusting prince she was supposed to be marrying. Then, he could leave, and never set foot into this cursed country ever again.

* * *

**Sasuke:** Wow. That was some fight. How come I didn't get to see who the man in black is?

**antilogicgirl:** Sasuke, I thought I explained it to you...if I let you see, then your reaction to learning who he really is would be less genuine. You're out of character, but I don't want you seeming too stiff.

**Shikamaru:** Hn. He's pretty stiff as it is, lady.

**Gai:** Hello, all you wonderful young people! Isnt' it a beautiful day?

**Sakura:** You're pretty chipper for someone who just got the crap kicked out of them by someone less than half their size...

**antilogicgirl:** Oh, hush, all of you. I don't want you ruining that lovely chemistry we've got going.

**Sakura:** What chemistry? You killed off my love interest!

**Sasuke:** --rolls eyes-- Nah. I think he ran away, 'cause he couldn't stand your screeching voice.

**antilogicgirl:** --grabs Sasuke's ear and twists-- I thought I told yo uto cut that out?

**Sasuke:** ...


	4. Act IV: Snapped Princess

**A/N:** Oi. Here's the next bit. This was hard to do. It was difficult not to do direct quotes. There were times when Vizzini (Shikamaru) was speaking that I did use near-direct quotes, though. I just wanted to warn. Sakura gets REALLY angsty in this act. Because of her, there's a language warning! And here, I thought it wouldn't get that way until we saw Tayuya. Oh, well. Other things for this chapter: A battle of wits, lots of yelling, mild violence, and severe confusion.

**Legal Stuffiness:** I don't own Naruto, nor do I own the Princess Bride. This is written in respectful homage to both.

* * *

**Princess: A parody.**

The Players:

Montoya Sasuke: a Spaniard.

Vizzini Shikamaru: an evil genius, and Sicilian

Sakura: a farm girl, a princess

Fezzik Gai: a man of extraordinary strength and a talent for rhyming?

Orochimaru: a prince

Jiraya: a miracle man

Tsunade: the miracle man's wife

Tayuya: an albino henchwoman

Count Itachi: a Spaniard, with six fingers on his left hand

Naruto: a farmboy, a pirate, a hero

And various others.

* * *

**Act IV: Snapped Princess**

Sakura grunted. Being hustled along at a pace that was too fast while also being blindfolded was just a bit too much, and she kept tripping. This time, she fell hard on her stomach, though the last two times she'd fallen onto her backside. Small but strong fingers closed on her arm, and she heard the little man cursing her in a foreign language. What was the hurry, if he was just going to kill her? He could do that any time. And what the devil was with the blindfold? Maybe he was scared of the masked man? An interesting thought, to be sure, but she wasn't altogether convinced. After ten more minutes of being dragged, falling down, and being hauled to her feet (they had been going on this way for three hours prior), she was finally made to sit on a hard but flat surface. A rock?

Her wrists were bound, and she sat quietly, not wanting to antagonize the little man, who was still muttering darkly next to her. There was also a small rustling noise, and a clinking sound, like pottery being set down. She didn't know what was going on, but she suddenly thought that this stop meant trouble. Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard footsteps, and felt the point of the little man's dagger at her neck. "Do you want her dead? If so, please continue to approach." The little man's accent was thick, making the words tilt and roll as they came from his mouth in a lazy but still dangerous way.

"I do but come to bargain." The other man's voice seemed cold, but there was a hint of amusement there. Sakura did not allow her anger to show. This man thought that her being held against her will—at knifepoint, no less—to be funny? In the back of her mind, she began inventing slow and laborious tortures for him. If there was one thing in the world that she could not stand, it was a person who took pleasure in watching others suffer.

"Not interested, friend. I've been paid to start a war, and once the job is done, I'll be paid even more. Can't start a war without a dead princess…" To emphasize his words, he lightly pressed the tip of the blade against her flesh, just enough to produce a small trickle of blood. A small hiss issued from Sakura's lips, and then she whimpered.

"A battle of wits, then. To the death." The unknown man must be the masked person who had been pursuing them. In that case, he was probably someone even worse than this despicable little man who held her now. She could feel the foreign man almost squirming next to her. He was considering the proposition, and considering the man who had offered it.

"What is the game?" And just like that, the battle of wits began.

* * *

Vizzini rubbed his hands together in anticipation. This man was clever, yes. But he didn't know who he was playing with. In his little organization of instigators, there was the world's strongest man, the world's greatest swordsman, and he, Vizzini? Oh, but he was the world's smartest and most devious little mastermind. He knew that he could outwit Arab traders in their own game, because he had done it. He knew he could fool the queen of Spain into buying the London Bridge, because he'd done that too. There was no man, woman, or child that he could not out-think, out-maneuver, or out-manipulate.

"The rules are simple. But first, smell this, but do not touch." He was handed a small vial.

"I don't smell anything." This was the absolute truth. Vizzini smelled nothing when he held the small wooden container to his nose. He did, however, see that it contained a white powder. A poison?

"Pour two cups of wine." Vizzini did so. "What you didn't smell, and may have deduced by now, is Iocaine powder. It is a deadly poison, tasteless, odorless, and has no antidote. I put it into one cup of wine. You deduce, choose one, and then we both drink. Depending on your choice, then we'll see who is right, and who's dead." Vizzini's left eye twitched. Was this man making fun of him? Something so simple? He could do this in his sleep!

"You insult my intelligence, sir. But…I'll accept your challenge, if only to get rid of you."

The man in black smiled insolently. He was good at that smile. Then, he began to laugh. It was a loud bray of a laugh, that one usually only heard in a barnyard where they kept donkeys. "Oh, I'm sorry," The man said, wiping a tear from his left eye. "That was amusing. You seem rather confident in your abilities. I hope you're right."

"Have you heard of Socrates? Pythagoras?" The Sicilian drove his dagger into the ground. The man in black nodded. Vizzini waved a hand dismissively. "Morons! Idiots! There is not now, nor has there ever been an intellect so keen and penetrating as my own. You are no match for me, but as I said, I need to get rid of you so I can get paid faster." The man in black shook with laughter again, but this time it was silent, his smile never reaching his eyes. This only made the lazy Sicilian more angry. It was troublesome to have to deal with this man. He would much prefer to be living off of the proceeds of this venture, which he would as soon as it was over.

"Save your bragging. Now, let the game begin." The man in black took the two cups, presented his back to Vizzini, and in a moment, turned back. "It is done. Now it's your turn."

"This really is too easy. All I have to do is use what I know of you to figure out where the poison is. On the one hand, you beat my giant, which means you're strong. You may have put the poison into your own cup, hoping for that strength to save you. But having also bested my Spaniard, you must have studied. In studying, you will have learned that man is mortal. You would want the poison as far away from yourself as you can get it." Vizzini's eyes danced. The man was falling into his trap.

The man in black sighed. In a loud and rather annoyed voice, he said, "Hey! Now you're stalling. You're trying to make me give the answer away. It won't work." Vizzini smiled. _That's right, get angry_. _Get frustrated_. That's exactly what the Sicilian wanted.

"Oh, but my insolent friend, it already has. I am ready to give my answer. And it is—" Vizzini's eyes widened. "What the devil is that?" He pointed over the man's shoulder. When the black-clad man turned, he silently switched the cups.

"I didn't see anything." The man in black straightened himself, facing a nearly giggling Vizzini. "What?"

"Nothing. Let's just toast." They raised their glasses, and both took long swallows from them.

"You guessed wrong." The man in black crossed his arms over his chest, looking very wise. He had a small satisfied smile, but Vizzini's was larger.

"No, you only _thought _I did! You've fallen prey to one of the classic blunders! The most well known is never get involved in a land war in Asia…only slightly less popular is this: NEVER GO IN AGAINST A SICILIAN WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!" He laughed and laughed, until he simply could not breathe, and his hair began to come loose from his spiked ponytail. Then, he realized that his laughter wasn't the only reason he couldn't breathe. _He'd been had_. He'd guessed wrong. How had that brat fooled the great Vizzini? Damn him. He would never find out, though, because his entire body became paralyzed, including his heart, and he slumped over, dead. His last thought: _Death is troublesome._

* * *

Sakura gasped as she felt a dead weight fall into her lap, and then again as her blindfold was ripped from her eyes. She looked down into her lap, and saw the dead Sicilian. After a long, terrified scream, she eyed the man in black. "Whose cup was really poisoned?"

"Both. I'm immune to Iocaine. Now, let's go." He hauled her roughly to her feet, and pulled her along, nearly as quickly as Vizzini had. This man was really getting on her nerves. She stopped in her tracks. "I said move, woman."

Her gaze turned frosty. "You had better let me go. My fiancé will track you. He's quite good at hunting." He merely snorted and drew a dagger, prodding her along in front of him. She had to bite her lip to keep from screaming at him. Really, she'd had enough of being poked, prodded, ordered, carried, and generally man-handled and mistreated. After trudging along for three hours of non-stop walking, she was flung down on a rock and told to rest. She narrowed her eyes at him. "I know who you are. Only one man on earth could be so cruel. You're the Dread Pirate Zabuza, aren't you?"

He bowed with a flourish. "In the flesh, madame. Now shut up." His tone was harsh, and there was something in his eyes that spoke of an amount of hatred she could not begin to fathom. She stared at him, willing him to drop dead on the spot. She had had quite enough of this man, and would like nothing better than to be left alone until Orochimaru simply came to find her. Sakura may not love the man, but he was hell bent on keeping her from harm, and she respected that.

"I will not." She was almost surprised by these words that seemed to come on their own.

"What?" He said, taking a step toward her.

"Why should I be quiet? You're just as bad, if not worse, than that evil little man was. You killed my only love." Tears of anger and hatred welled in her eyes, but she blinked them back. She would not, under any circumstances, allow this man to see her cry.

"Oh, you mean you're not in love with your foppish prince?"

"Hell no, what do you take me for?"

"A little slut who will marry anyone who asks." Her back went stiff at that. How dare he? At her indignant look, he said, "Don't blame me, woman. You're the one who asked."

She nodded. "Yes, that is true." For a moment, she wondered if this man knew anything about her at all. Sakura knew for a fact that she had not always been a princess. She was not at all opposed to violence, especially if it meant being able to get away from this man. Slowly, she rose from her seat. Before she could make an attempt at hitting him, he spoke again.

"Who was this love you speak of?"

Her breath caught in her throat. "He was a farm-boy. He had hair like the sun, and eyes that were the kind of blue the sky could only hope to be. Naruto was the only man I have ever loved, and the only one I ever will." Anger flashed in the man in black's eyes. His hand rose as if to strike her, but stopped when she flinched, holding her bound hands up in a defensive gesture.

His mouth was set in a hard, thin line. "Madame, the next time, my hand flies on its own. Where I'm from, there are punishments for lying."

Suddenly, she brought down her hands. White-hot anger bubbled up inside her stomach, threatening to fill her entire being. "Lie? How dare you even say that? You know nothing! How dare you even presume to—"

"Tell me, princess, when you heard of your dear Naruto's death, did you get engaged to the prince in the same hour, or did you wait a week out of respect for the dead?" His mouth was twisted into a sick and ironic smile, and she didn't want to look at him anymore. In that moment, all of her training at being a princess simply left her, and she snapped.

"You bastard…you don't know. You have no idea, not even the slightest clue! How could you even pretend to know how I felt when I read in a stupid letter...in a letter! That my only reason for living in the entire world was gone?" She began to walk toward him, all the while, she ranted. "He was the reason I woke up in the morning. To see him, to hear him laugh, it was as close to any kind of heaven as I could imagine. And _you_ killed him. Bastard pirate…you killed him."

"That's what pirates do. I can't be held accountable for that. It's my job. I think I remember him now. This would have been what? Four years ago, now? Yes. He was interesting. He died well. No pleading, bribing, or blubbering. He only said, 'please, I need to live.'" The man in black scratched his head. "When I asked him why, he spoke of a woman of great beauty, his true love. I assume he meant you. You should thank me for having taken his life, before he found out what you really are, you blatant hussie."

"You have mocked me for the last time. Naruto is dead because of you. I _died_ that day! For four years, I have been walking, talking, but my soul is gone. I am dead. And you, you bastard—" She shoved him as hard as she could down the steep hill they stood on. "You can die too, for all I care!" The man in black's eyes widened for an instant before he fell backward and rolled endlessly down the hill.

All the time he did, she watched with grim satisfaction, until she saw his mask fly, and his bandanna being ripped off by the contact with the rocky ground. Hair like spun gold in the sun was now being flung every which way, and she saw a face she only knew now in her dreams. Her eyes widened, and then began to tear. "Naruto…"

Carefully, she slid down the hill, making her way to where he lay. Of course, her controlled descent didn't last long. After a moment, she began to fall, as well. When she came to a stop, Sakura was bruised, bleeding, and she thought she may have broken her head. Her eyes opened slowly when she felt her bonds being tugged at. A choked sob forced its way out of her throat as soon as she saw Naruto's face etched in concentration, working at the thin ropes. As soon as her hands were free, she took hold of his head, dragging him down to her. After a kiss that took the breath of both lovers away, she sat up, and looked into his eyes, smiling.

Then, raising an eyebrow, she lifted a hand and slapped him hard on his left cheek. "That's for calling me a hussie." Another slap to his face sent his head reeling. "And that, you idiot, is for calling me a slut."

Rubbing his cheek, he smiled wryly. "I love you, too, Sakura."

She was in no mood for that. "Four years. Four years, Naruto! Why? Oh, hell. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. No, wait. Do. I need to know why, after you survived being attacked by pirates, you didn't come back." Balling her small hand up into a fist, she tried to hit him again, but he caught it, and pushed her to the ground, pinning both of her hands above her head.

"Sakura, please. I think we're being followed. I saw horsemen. Let's get moving. I'll tell you on the way through the forest." He pointed toward a dark swath of wood to the south.

"The Forest of Death! Are you insane? No one it's impossible to survive that place!" Her eyes grew large, and she began to shake.

"Oh, come on. You're just saying that because no one ever has before. There's a first time for everything." Then, he gave her a smile. Not that insolent, sardonic one, but the one she dreamed about. Instantly, her insides turned into a pool of goop. One smile. All it took was one smile, and she couldn't be angry at him anymore. Sighing, she got sorely up to her feet.

They entered the forest, walking cautiously. There were three chief dangers here. The first was deadly quicksand, which was odd, because it was a forest, and not a swamp. It sucked you in, almost as if it were alive. The second danger was the trees themselves. Legends said that the trees shot poisonous barbs and leaked acid. Finally, there were the A.O.U.S.es. There were Animals Of Unusual Size in the forest. If you saw a squirrel, it was likely to be able to bit your head off at one go (and probably would), and the other animals were proportionate in size.

Sakura trembled. This was definitely not where she wanted to be. Then, she remembered her question to Naruto. "Well? Are you going to explain?"

Naruto scratched the back of his neck. Laughing nervously, he began to do just that.

* * *

**A/N:** Grrr. Sakura-angst. This was difficult, but fun to write, especially with Sakura. She's definately no Buttercup. Buttercup would NEVER have slapped Wesley the way Sakura slapped Naruto. Then again, Wesley is more jealous when Naruto plays him, so I guess that's fair. I know Shikamaru was far too OOC, but that's ok. He's dead now.

**Shikamaru:** I've been meaning to talk to you about the OOC.

**antilogicgirl:** What about?

**Shikamaru:** I know you wanted me to play Vizzini because of his smarts, but I really don't think that I would have done things quite in that way.

**antilogicgirl:** Shikamaru, I'm not the one who wrote the original story. Vizzini does what he does, and I wanted the character to end up dead, just like in the movie.

**Shikamaru:** ...

**Naruto:** Yay! I'm alive again!

**Sakura:** Does your face still hurt, Naruto?

**Naruto:** Nah. I'm used to it by now.


	5. Act V: A Pirate's Life For Me

**A/N: **Here's Act V, and here's where things start to really deviate from the plot of the Princess Bride. Just so you know, **_this entire chapter is a flashback_**. It's all about how Naruto became the "Dread Pirate Zabuza," and how the man he took the job from wasn't the real Dread Pirate either. So, I'll be using some nautical terms and others, and for those of you who don't know about them, they'll be defined at the end of this Act. Warnings? Um, not really, other than a little bit of blood and some general roughness, but nothing that one wouldn't usually associate with pirates.

**Legal Stuffiness:** I don't own Naruto or The Princess Bride, nor any of the characters therein. This is written in respectful homage to both.

**

* * *

Princess: A Parody.**

The Players:

Montoya Sasuke: a Spaniard.

Vizzini Shikamaru: an evil genius, and Sicilian

Sakura: a princess

Fezzik Gai: a man of extraordinary strength and a talent for rhyming?

Orochimaru: a prince

Jiraya: a miracle man

Tsunade: the miracle man's wife

Tayuya: an albino henchwoman

Count Itachi: a Spaniard, with six fingers on his left hand

Naruto: a farmboy, a pirate, a hero

And various others.

(New characters for Flashback Act V:

Genma: a sailor, a pirate

Kotetsu: a sailor, a pirate

Ibiki: a pirate)

* * *

**Act V: A Pirate's Life For Me**

Onboard the merchant ship, _Achilles_…

"Oi! Kid! Get over here. We need you to swab." The lazy man was leaning against the railing. Naruto grabbed the bucket and mop, which had become his nearly constant companions. A cabin boy. That's what he was. He'd had quite enough of it, really. A year as a cabin boy. One whole year of people calling him 'Kid' and 'Boy,' but also 'Brat.' He _hated_ being called a brat. Only slightly better was being called a kid. He was eighteen years old, for crying out loud!

"Shut up, Genma. Or do you want me to kick your ass again?" The taller man ruffled at that.

"That was one time!" The toothpick he chewed on bobbed up and down as he spoke, nearly flying from his mouth at the exclamation.

Naruto leaned on his mop handle. "One time? It's a repeatable event. Now get out of my way before I keel-haul you." Genma, the first mate, strolled away, balancing deftly with the rocking of the ship in spite of being barefoot on the slick deck. He really was annoying, but Naruto had fun poking fun at him, and when the man had enough, he had fun with the fights they had. The week before, he and Genma had gotten into a scrape in the hold, and Naruto had nearly cracked the man's skull against the hull of the ship. Smiling at the memory, he attached a rope to his bucket and lowered it over the port side to get scrubbing water.

"So, I see you've been keeping yourself busy." After looking around, Naruto craned his neck upward to find a wiry man in his early twenties lowering himself from the crow's nest by using his feet. It was beyond Naruto how Kotetsu did that. He had the rope wrapped around his left leg, and used his right foot to grip it, obviously, but how strong were the man's legs? It simply boggled the mind. Laughing, Kotetsu let go of the rope, landing on his hands and pushing himself off of the deck to launch his body into the air. He landed casually on the balls of his bare feet, running his fingers through his dark dread-locks.

"I guess so," the blond said as he hauled the bucket back up, frowning. "Genma's an ass."

The quartermaster and lookout nodded. "He is, but he's a fine sailor, and you could learn a lot from him. Ever see him use one of these?" The dark haired man tapped the cutlass at his side. Naruto shook his head. Leaning toward him, Kotetsu said, "Scary, he is. But when it comes to weapons, he's got more on him than anyone I've ever seen. Daggers in places I didn't know you could put them, if you know what I mean. He's like a damned porcupine!" They both laughed at that. Naruto _had_ seen Genma practice with his throwing knives. His accuracy was perfect, even when he wasn't looking. "You know, once he warms up to you, he could teach you a thing or two."

"Maybe." Naruto had gone quiet. Usually, he was up for a shouting match, or telling loud jokes with the rest of the crew. But when he got quiet, there were only one of two things going on. He was either getting ready for a fight, or he was thinking about _her._

"How is she doing, eh?"

"Last letter I got from her said she was fine. Everything's like usual back home, only she has to do more chores now that I'm not there." The thought of Sakura tending the cows gave him an odd feeling. It wasn't right for her to have to do that. He _should _ be there. Naruto shrugged. "I guess I'm a little homesick." Kotetsu snorted at that and moved to the main hatch to go below deck. With a wry smile, Naruto plunged the mop into the bucket. Learning from Genma? Maybe it would make it so that the man would leave off every now and again? Sounded like a plan, since it at times seemed that the first mate's mission in life was to pester the cabin boy to death.

Beginning to swab the deck, he looked at the waves, breathing in the heady scent of salt. That was the one thing he never really tired of on this God-forsaken ship. The crew, the work, they both got to be so annoying that he nearly couldn't stand it, but the sea was what he had really come for. Soon, as usual, he found himself mesmerized by the pitch and yaw of the ship, the smell of the air, and the way the sun shone on the water. It wasn't until he had to dodge one of Genma's many knives that he snapped out of it. Naruto looked behind him, where the flat knife was embedded in the mizzenmast.

"Do you mind?" He snapped, pulling the thing out of the wood and tossing it back to the higher-ranking man.

"Not at all. Swab, kid."

"Genma, can you do me a favor?" Naruto asked

"Sure, kid."

"Call me Naruto. That's my name. Not kid. I call you by your name, so I expect you to do the same. Got it?" His tone was challenging, and it was probably because of this that a small muscle under Genma's left eye began to twitch uncontrollably.

"Let's get one thing straight, brat. _You _are the cabin boy._ I _am first mate. You'll do what _I_ tell you, and answer to what I_ say_ you will. _Got it_?" Genma said this in a very acidic tone, and Naruto nearly snorted. The man did not like having his authority questioned. For all his laziness, he knew his job, and everyone else's. He could probably _do_ everyone else's job, too. Naruto simply stood there, though, without saying a word, not even nodding. Genma lunged at him, but Naruto was pretty light on his feet. He dodged him, and used his mop to push the man against the railing, soaking the front of his clothes at the same time.

Naruto used the mop handle almost as a quarter-staff, and brought it around swiftly, rapping Genma on the head, then jabbing it into his stomach. When he choked and his toothpick fell from his lips, Naruto forced him to his knees with the mop handle across his shoulders. "_Now._ What are you going to be calling me?" Big mistake. Before he could blink, Genma had stood and drawn the cutlass at his side, laying it at Naruto's throat.

"You've got guts, kid, but until you learn to show some respect, I ain't calling you nothing but 'kid'." There was a fire in Genma's eyes that Naruto hadn't noticed before. It wasn't something that he particularly liked, either. This was a man that _liked_ to fight. Maybe even _loved _it. It was almost like he could feel the bloodlust boiling just below the surface, barely controlled. Maybe that's what Kotetsu meant about him being scary.

"Fine. Sir." Naruto muttered grudgingly, and Genma removed the sword's blade from his neck with equal reluctance. He looked at the first mate, and said curiously, "How many men have you killed?" The boy was certain that it was a question of how many, and not _if _he had killed.

"Too many to count." He waved his hand, taking in the vessel. "Haven't always been so…honorable." The word seemed awkward coming out of Genma's mouth, but only because of his tone. Naruto's eyes narrowed. What was that supposed to mean? Had he been a criminal? Sensing the question, Genma put a finger to his lips, winking. In half a second, he had draped his arm over the cabin boy's shoulders. Quietly, he said, "Now, kid, I don't want you to be telling the captain. He wouldn't like the fact that I used to be…"

"What, a pirate?" Naruto asked, less than shocked.

"Now, why do you have to put it that way? It sounds so…crude. I prefer to be called an equal opportunity exploiter." A sly grin came over the man's face as he looked at Naruto.

An almost identical grin had slid over Naruto's lips, though, and Genma started to look a little worried. "Well, I think something can be arranged for you to avoid the Captain's notice. Quid pro quo, you know." The first mate eyed him, sucking a tooth. He obviously didn't think Naruto was capable of blackmail. "I won't tell Captain Asuma, if you teach me to use those knives."

With a chuckle, Genma put out his hand. Naruto took it, and Genma said, "You sure you're not a pirate, kid? You blackmail like a pro." Naruto squeezed the other man's hand so that his carpal bones ground together.

"The name's _Naruto_."

"Aye, mate. Naruto."

And so, he had made a friend of a pirate. A 'former' pirate, or 'equal opportunity exploiter,' as it were. Genma taught him everything he knew about throwing the flat and perfectly weighted knives he kept hidden all over his person, and Naruto learned exactly how many the man actually had. He had four in each boot, six strapped to each arm, twelve belted around his waist, and twenty in holsters on both thighs. Naruto was sure that he had one in his bandanna, too, but Genma wasn't about to take the bandanna off. He said it was all that was holding his brain in. Naruto knew the truth, though. He had a large scar that his hair had not grown over.

One day, when he had done with his swabbing, Genma came to laze about in the bow with him. "Hey, Naruto."

"Oh, it's you."

"Who the hell did you _think_ it was? I don't look like that bedraggled eagle-eye you seem to spend most of your time with." Naruto nodded. Genma really didn't look anything like Kotetsu. While the quartermaster was the most unkempt and highly tattooed member of the crew, Genma was obsessively neat, though seemingly lazy. And there had been numerous occasions when the first mate had tried to shave Kotetsu's head in the middle of the night because he said that the man's hair was so dirty it drew flies. He had a point. Kotetsu did have a peculiar…aroma about him.

"I dunno. I'm just a little spaced out." Naruto continued to look at the waves.

The man sat next to him. "That bored, huh?" A nod. "Well, I think things are going to get a little more interesting soon."

"How's that?"

Genma lowered his voice. "The _Revenge_ has been sighted." Naruto started. The Dread Pirate Zabuza's ship had been sighted…For a moment, Naruto wondered if Genma had ever met him. "It's only three leagues to the west of us." Genma's eyes seemed to glaze over. "Beautiful ship, the _Revenge._ All white sails and black glittering paint. Handles well, too." At Naruto's curious look, he nodded. "Aye. I've been on the _Revenge._ As I said, a beautiful ship." He then rose from his seat on the deck and went up into the crow's nest.

Only four hours later, they were attacked.

Asuma ran up onto the deck, buttoning his coat, and smoking a cigarette, as usual. The captain's unruly brown hair was once again in his face, so he used a scarf to keep it out of his eyes. They were being boarded. "Damn you, Kotetsu! Why weren't you in the crow's nest!" He cursed the man as he watched him draw his cutlass.

"No time for that, Asuma! This is the _Revenge _we're dealing with." Kotetsu's mouth was a thin line. The two of them headed the pirates off before they could get to the hold. Asuma's daggers flashed, and Kotetsu's steel rang against that of another man.

Naruto came down from the rigging, hurling knives that Genma had given him. He killed one man by slicing his throat, and another by embedding a knife in his eye. Both times, he retrieved his weapons. Then, he was being hauled away from the fight. "Hey!" He whirled around to see Genma, now dressed differently. His clothes were all black, and instead of a toothpick, he held a knife in his teeth. "What the hell are you doing? I was helping out pretty well back there!" Not even noticing that none of the pirates were coming near, he settled his eyes on Genma.

"I suppose I should formally introduce myself." Genma bowed politely, with a bit of a flourish. "The Dread Pirate Zabuza, at your service."

Naruto nearly fell down laughing. "You're kidding, right?"

Genma's lips twisted into a sarcastic smile. "Ibiki!" He yelled, and a gigantic pirate came lumbering over. "Take our new cabin boy onto the _Revenge._"

"Aye, Captain Zabuza." The man's voice sounded like he had swallowed a barrel-full of tacks. Naruto blinked, and Genma (or rather, Zabuza) just smiled and pulled the knife from between his teeth before throwing it with a mere flick of his wrist. Naruto followed its path, and noticed that Kotetsu had been the target. He had taken the knife in the arm. Naruto's eyes narrowed. The quartermaster turned to the newly revealed pirate captain and made a rude gesture.

"Captain, that _hurts._ You should try to be more careful." Kotetsu turned and pulled the knife from his arm, hurling it back at Zabuza. The black-clad man caught it just in front of his face.

Shaking a finger at Kotetsu, he said, "Secure the cargo, Kotetsu. I'll take care of Asuma." Naruto was hauled up from his feet and thrown over Ibiki's shoulder, the large man jumping the ten-foot gap from the _Achilles _to the _Revenge_ with ease. He was quickly hustled below deck and locked into the captain's stateroom. Through the wavy glass of the windows, he watched as the _Achilles _was pillaged. Then, when all of the crew was dead, the pirates set the thing ablaze. Naruto could hear the lines being cut, and sighed. He had liked Asuma. But, he was still a cabin boy, and he had his job cut out for him.

Just then, a young man about his age opened the door. He had red tattoos on his face, and they looked something like fangs. "Ha. So you're the brat. Come with me." Naruto fumed. He was not a brat! Following nonetheless, he found himself on deck soon thereafter. "Here he is, Captain." The boy pointed at Naruto.

The man Naruto now knew as Zabuza smiled. "Thanks, Kiba. Now, everyone puts the treasure into the hold. Except you, Naruto. You come with me." They went back to the stateroom, and the captain locked the door. "I'm sorry you had to see that, Naruto." His voice sounded sincere. What the hell kind of pirate was he? "You're angry with me, no?"

Naruto's jaw worked. "I suppose I should be. But the way I look at it, you're a pirate. You were just doing your job. But I did like Asuma. He was a good guy."

"That he was, and we'll drink to him tonight." Really, what kind of pirate drinks to the men he's killed? Almost as if he'd heard Naruto's thoughts, he said, "I always drink to the captains of the ships I raid. They're mostly honorable men, so there's no shame in it." Naruto nodded in agreement before he could stop himself. Then, Zabuza pursed his lips. "I was going to make you cabin boy, but I'd forgotten about Kiba. So, you'll be my assistant. How's that sound?"

"Will the crew call me 'kid' or 'brat'?"

The man smiled, and flopped into a chair. "If you're _my_ assistant, they'll call you whatever you want them to." His grin was rather evil, one that Naruto had only seen a few times before. But now, this man was in his natural environment. His 'comfort zone,' so to speak. His manner seemed more natural, as did the grin he wore. "Now, you need the proper attire for the job. That uniform doesn't suit you." Now that, Naruto could definitely agree on. The high collar and cravat he was wearing had always bothered him. When the captain pointed at a chest, Naruto opened it and began to dig through it.

In the end, he exchanged his high-collared shirt for a green one with an open neck, and wide sleeves, and took a dark blue pair of pants that were just a little bit too short. The captain threw him something, and he caught it. Naruto lifted his eyebrow. It was a bandanna, much like the one Naruto had always seen him wearing, but this one was a little different. It was the same color as the pants he now wore, and had a leather band that helped it stay in place. After he strapped his knife holsters to his legs, he laughed.

"So, do I look like a pirate yet?" The man in the chair laughed as well, but shook his head.

"You still look like a kid off the farm, Naruto. But give it time. You'll come around." The man he used to call Genma clapped him on the back. "Weclome to life on board the _Revenge._"

* * *

Naruto found out quickly that being Zabuza's assistant was more than just fetching things and keeping him company. It also meant that he was un-officially second in command of the ship. Kotetsu, who was the actual first mate, didn't really seem to mind, since he liked Naruto just fine. He was in charge of so many things, Kotetsu had time to slack off when the Captain wasn't really looking. For that, the man was eternally grateful. One night, as they were docked, and the three of them were roaming the streets of one of the main ports on the southern coast of Spain, they were looking for a place to have dinner and a few drinks. Then, Naruto heard something that made his blood run cold. 

"And they say Princess Sakura is the most beautiful woman who ever drew breath. They'll be married in a year and a half. She's got pink hair, too. How rare is that?" The man who had been speaking suddenly found that Naruto's calloused hand was clamped tightly around his throat.

"What did you say?" Naruto hissed, the man's face turning purple from lack of oxygen. In a choked voice, the beleaguered man repeated himself. In his fury, Naruto threw the man to the ground, and was about to start kicking him when the Captain put a hand on his shoulder.

"Naruto, stop. Pull yourself together." He did as he was told, but he was still fuming.

"It can't be true…" He breathed, suddenly feeling dizzy. Kotetsu held him steady, and steered the small group into a tavern for a pot of ale.

Soon, Kotetsu and Zabuza were sitting at a small grubby table in the back of the tavern (quite a dive, actually; Kotetsu liked them that way), sipping on ale and listening to an already drunk Naruto talking nonstop.

"She wouldn't marry someone else. Never. I know her. She would wait for me. Wouldn't she wait for me, Kotetsu?" Without waiting for an answer, he reached out and deftly grabbed another pot of ale from the tray of a serving wench who was passing by. The other men were surprised. He didn't spill a drop. He began to drink the golden liquor directly. It took both Kotetsu and the Captain to yank the earthenware mug away from him.

"Pull yourself together, Naruto. If she's marrying someone else, she probably thinks your dead. The _Achilles_ did get attacked by _us_, you know." The Captain smiled. "And of course, you know, the Dread Pirate Zabuza never leaves any survivors." His voice lowered in an imitation of Asuma. The man had told many tales of pirates over the year that he had been on the _Achilles_, and ones that involved Zabuza were always the most entertaining. He remembered the knife-wielding 'Genma' being very quiet during those stories.

"I'm fine, you bastards! I'm fine!" He waved a drunken hand dismissively. "I'll kill him anyway, whoever he is. She's not gonna marry anyone but _me!_" The other two backed carefully away from him. The look on his face was rather frightening. After that, Kotetsu simply hauled him up from his seat and threw him over his shoulder. "Let me go, bastard! I'll kill you!" Naruto had pounded drunken but still very strong fists against Kotetsu's back, and backside, causing him to wince.

"Captain?" Kotetsu asked, and Zabuza used the hilt of his sword to hit Naruto over the head and knock him out.

* * *

Six months after Naruto learned of Sakura's engagement, he had all information he needed to take his revenge, as well as many new resources. Two months earlier, he had been called into the stateroom. "Yes, Captain?" 

"Sit down, Naruto." He did as he was told. "I've been thinking a lot. It's time I told you the truth." Naruto looked at him quizzically. "I am not the Dread Pirate Zabuza. I inherited the title from a man named Haku. He was the second Dread Pirate. The real one is living like a king in the East Indies. Haku is doing the same, but in Paris. I figure I've been in this game long enough. So, I'm leaving it to you. If you want it, that is."

"Do I? Are you nuts? Of _course_!" He had been so excited, it had been hard for him not to simply hug the man.

"You'll have to dismiss the crew. I'll stay on for a bit, as first mate. You can call me Genma." The man smiled again, and popped a toothpick into his mouth. This was going to be interesting. "And one more thing…Here." He tossed something at him, and Naruto caught it. A mask? "You've got a baby face, kid. Nobody's gonna believe that you're the Dread Pirate if you look like you're twelve years old."

* * *

**A/N:** Ok. I promised to define terms, didn't I? First I just wanna say that I love Genma. He's so fun! -girlie squeal- Ok. Now that my fangirl moment is over, let's begin.

**bow**: front, nose of the ship

**port**: facing the bow, the left side of the ship

**starboard**: facing the bow, the right side of the ship

**mizzenmast**: the third mast or the mast aft (further toward the stern or back of the ship) of a mainmast on a ship having three or more masts.

**stateroom**: basically, the captain's office

**keel-haul**: To discipline by dragging under the keel of a ship.

**keel**: basically, the bottom of the ship, where the hull comes to a point

**swab**: to mop the deck (I was a little confused about this for a bit)


	6. Act VI: The Forest of Death and

**A/N:** Yay! I finally got another chapter finished! I'm sorry about the terribly long wait. Used to be, I would post so often! Now, it's once a month if that. But please, take this as an promise that I will not abandon any of my works.

* * *

**Legal Stuffiness:** I don't own Naruto or The Princess Bride, nor any of the characters therein. This is written in respectful homage to both. 

**

* * *

Princess: A Parody.**

The Players:

Montoya Sasuke: a Spaniard.

Vizzini Shikamaru: an evil genius, and Sicilian

Sakura: a princess

Fezzik Gai: a man of extraordinary strength and a talent for rhyming?

Orochimaru: a prince

Jiraya: a miracle man

Tsunade: the miracle man's wife

Tayuya: an albino henchwoman

Count Itachi: a Spaniard, with six fingers on his left hand

Naruto: a farmboy, a pirate, a hero

And various others.

New Character for Act VI!

Kidomaru: Captain of the Guard. Works for Prince Orochimaru

* * *

**Act VI:** The Forest of Death, and Back to the Beginning

* * *

"All right, Naruto. I believe you. But really, do we have to go through the Forest of Death?" Sakura was walking behind Naruto, keeping her hands at her sides. There were trees all around them, many of them weeping strange-smelling yellowish fluid which had eaten holes in the hem of her dress already. Naruto reckoned that they were halfway through. It had not taken long to discover the difference between the sap of the normal trees looked like and that of the acid trees. Sakura had leaned on an a tree not long after they entered the forest, and a moment later, was screaming, because her dress was smoking, the pungent fumes of the acid's corrosion filling the air around her, turning it yellow. Naruto had ripped the cloth away, and thrown it aside. 

"It's the shortest way to the harbor. My ship is there." He looked around, wondering what the quicksand looked like. Since he'd never seen any himself, he was sure that she wouldn't know. "If you step in any of the quicksand, be sure to spread out your body as much as possible, but don't move, otherwise. And try to lay back. That way you'll stop any descent. Okay, Saku—" Naruto looked back, and his eyes widened as Sakura was sucked bodily into the ground.

"Oh, no…" he moaned, then looked around, quickly. After finding a long vine that would suffice, he drew his sword and hacked at it repeatedly until it broke at the right length, then tested its strength. It seemed strong enough, so he grasped it tightly, and made a running dive into the sand. It was the strangest feeling in the world. The sand filtered into his hair, ears, everywhere. It pressed in on him, making it feel like he would never breathe again. For a moment, Naruto wondered how he would catch up to Sakura. Then he remembered what he said about spreading one's body out to slow down. So, he reasoned, if he were to press his limbs together, next to his body, then he should sink faster. Doing exactly that, with the hand not holding the vine extended out in front of him, he felt ahead of him for Sakura. After an eternity, when his lungs had long since begun to burn, his hand came into contact with what he thought might be the cloth of her dress. When he pulled on it, he felt her hand grasp his, and she clung to him, pulling herself toward Naruto and wrapping her arms around his waist. With that done, he then moved his other hand to the vine, and began pulling them; hand over hand, out of the sand.

When they finally broke the surface, they crawled as quickly as they could away from the patch of disturbed earth. They threw themselves onto more solid ground and gasped for breath, Naruto heaving a sigh of relief that Sakura was alive and unhurt. They lay on the ground for a long time, catching their breath and clearing the sand out of various areas that shouldn't be in any way gritty, then Sakura laughed dryly. "You were saying, about the sand?" Naruto managed a strangled bark of laughter, himself. He had a wonderful sense of humor. After another long moment, she sat up. "Not hurt, are you?" He shook his head, and they both stood, brushing the rest of the sand from their bodies. "I would prefer not to ever do that again." Naruto smiled, agreeing heartily.

"Me too. But now, we know exactly what we're up against here. I mean, there are the acid trees, and that sand, so there shouldn't be anything else. We're practically home free, now that we know what to look for." She looked at him dubiously. He smiled that absolutely brilliant smile, and she was distracted for a moment, then snapped out of it. He had been trying to divert her attention from the thing she had really been fearing. Sand, she could deal with. Acid trees, no problem. But now, she looked at Naruto levelly and voiced her true concern.

"What about the A.O.U.S.es?"

"Animals of unusual size? Those are just old wives tales, Sakura. There's no way that there are mice and squirrels that could bite me in half. It's stupid even to think that they're—" Just then, something huge and brown and furry jumped down from a tree, and onto Naruto. It looked like a squirrel, but much, much larger. Sakura screamed as it clamped its jaws around his arm, beginning to gnaw at it, shaking Naruto from side to side the way a dog does with a length of rope. She then cast about for something to save her beloved Naruto.

After a long moment, she smirked. If only he could… "Naruto, can you hold it still for a minute? I have an idea." He grunted as he wrestled with the thing, and indicated that he might, if she could hurry. "Good." She tore a long strip of her dress away, and ran to the nearest acid tree. Folding it at least six times, she scooped up as much of the acrid sap as she could, and ran over with the smoking mass of goop to where the struggling man lay, with the offending beast atop his body. They were still struggling too much.

"Some time today, Sakura!" He grunted, punching the giant squirrel squarely in the jaw and nearly breaking his fingers in the process.

"Okay. Hold it," She said. He tried, and was not completely successful, but it was good enough for her to slap a healthy portion of the acid into the giant squirrel's beady red eyes. It made a horrifying screech, and bounded off into the forest, running into trees as it went.

Sakura ran to Naruto's side, and helped him up from the ground. The large tooth marks on his arm oozed blood. She hoped that the squirrel had not been rabid. "Naruto, are you always this accident-prone? I mean, isn't it the man who is supposed to do the saving?"

"Hehe. I guess. But I saved you enough for one day, really. First, there was the little Spaniard, then that huge guy, then the Sicilian. After all that, plus the acid sap, and the sand…I think that turnabout is fair play." She giggled at this. Then she turned her attention to his arm, using more of the skirt of her dress to dab the blood away. He looked past her, and his eyes widened, a smile spreading over his features. "Look, Sakura! There's the edge of the forest!" She turned to look behind her, where he was now pointing. "Only ten miles more, and we'll be at the harbor where my ship is. Then you won't have to marry that damned prince."

Naruto pushed himself to his feet, and they started walking to the edge of the forest. He wondered if his arm would be all right.

* * *

Orochimaru watched as they exited the Forest of Death. The man in black, whomever he was, looked worse for the wear. He was actually quite mangled. Looking over at his loyal supporter and best friend, he saw that Itachi's eyes were fixed on the blonde man. It seemed that the Count found the young man to be rather interesting. And, by all rights, there _was_ something quite intriguing about him. He had apparently killed the little Sicilian they'd found earlier. When they'd found the tracks of the party that had kidnapped Sakura, he had been angry. Very angry indeed. Especially when he found tracks that indicated someone might get to her before he did. 

If there was one thing that Orochimaru did not like, it was not getting what he wanted. He wanted, at that moment, to take Sakura back to the castle. And nothing this little scrap of a man could do would stop him from doing just that.

Now, He and Itachi sat on their horses, waiting for Sakura and the man to walk into the trap he'd set. Waiting until precisely the right moment, he sat calmly in his saddle. Then, when they passed the tree line, he and the rest of the men spurred their horses forward, and another group of men on foot ran behind them, surrounding the pair. The pale prince watched with hidden amusement as the blonde stood in front of Sakura protectively, holding his sword before him. What was it that he thought he could do? Apparently, the young man did not know the meaning of the word 'futility'.

In a calm, haughty, and authoritative voice, the dark-haired prince said, "Surrender."

"You're surrendering yourselves to me? Heh. I accept." The cocky smirk on the boy's lips angered him, and it made Orochimaru want to crush him.

"After everything you've been through, young man, I would think you'd have the sense not to be a fool." He tossed his hair from his face, his golden eyes glinting in the shafts of light coming through the few trees they were shaded by. "Give us the Princess."

"No." Blue eyes were stubborn, and the boy's jaw was set in a hard line. Orochimaru heard Itachi's horse dancing a bit from side to side, picking up the interested mood that its rider had taken on. He nearly smirked. Obviously, Itachi wanted this man as a test subject. He certainly fit the mold. Fearless, full of bravado, and vigorous. But it was also clear that the boy was getting dangerously close to making Orochimaru angry. If that happened, he would most certainly not live to become one of Itachi's 'specimens'.

"I'll only say it once more, boy. Surrender." He was letting his temper get the better of him, he knew. But, he had crossbowmen with their bolts trained on this impudent little scab, so if necessary, all he had to do was give the word.

"I'll die first!" His feet planted, the young man leveled his sword at Orochimaru. Blue eyes blazed, and for a bare instant, he was frightened. That, however, ended as soon as it had begun. One thin, dark eyebrow rose in surprise. This was certainly a fiery one. Too bad he had to die. _Now_.

"Very well." He raised his hand, ready to give the signal for the boy's death, when he was interrupted.

"Stop! Wait!" To Orochimaru's surprise, Sakura had thrown herself in front of the boy, and they all stared at her. "Promise not to hurt him!" Her voice was filled with desperation. What could make her this way? For as long as he had known her, she had been far too sedate. She was calm, poised, and beautifully gentle. Now, she was like some wild animal protecting its mate.

"What?" Orochimaru stammered, blinking rapidly in confusion.

"If we surrender to you, will you promise that you won't hurt this man?" Her green eyes stared up at him, pleading. He nodded silently, and waited for her to continue. "He's a sailor on the ship _Revenge_. Will you give me your word, sir, that he will be returned to that ship?" Sakura was clinging to the black, blood-soaked cloth of the young man's shirt, looking up at him with more life in her eyes than he had ever seen. In a way, he felt the slightest twinge of jealousy.

Drawing himself up to his full height, and tightening his fingers on the reigns, Orochimaru said, "You have my word, lady. Count Itachi shall deliver him within the hour to the ship as you say." After he gave a signal to the soldiers, they began to move out.

* * *

Naruto's eyes widened as he stared at the back of Sakura's head. What was she doing? Surely she knew that her efforts would be in vain…But apparently, she was too trusting. All he could do was watch as she turned around to look at him, a light of sadness in her eyes that was beyond profound. "It really would kill me if you died again, Naruto. If I can save you by going with them, I'd do it a hundred times." Before he could answer, she was scooped up by that fop of a prince, and carried away. 

"Now," came the smooth, low, and nearly hypnotic voice from behind him, "Let's get you back to your ship, _shall_ we?" He turned to see a tall man sitting on a dark horse, his scarlet robes draped around him in velvety folds. The man was pale, almost as sickly as the prince. He had long, straight black hair that was tied back from his face, but for a few bits that escaped stubbornly and hung before his red eyes. The picture was altogether discomforting.

In spite of what he was feeling, Naruto glared up at those red eyes and spat, "You can stop lying now. She's not here anymore."

A smile twisted across the Count's lips, and he nodded. "You're much smarter than you look." He turned to the men at arms that remained. "Restrain him." The men moved forward, one making certain that Naruto could not move his arms, while another bound his wrists with a length of very itchy rope. Naruto stared up at the man, watching those bloody eyes burning down at him. Sighing in frustration, he looked down, and away from the man.

Then, he blinked at the man's gloved hands. There it was. Naruto's voice came out cool and level. "You have six fingers on your right hand." One of the Count's eyebrows rose fractionally. The blonde man continued. "I know someone who's looking for you." Crimson eyes narrowed at his blue ones, and then he saw no more. The Count had clubbed him across his skull with the pommel of his sword.

* * *

His head was killing him. Naruto struggled to open his eyes. His hearing was fuzzy, and he felt his wounds sting. Yes, he was awake. Unfortunately. Then, he heard the strangest thing. Floating in the air was a melody, at first low and haunting, then rising to a fevered pitch, so loud he felt as if it were rattling his bones. When he was able to turn his head slightly toward the sound, he saw the source of this song. A woman sat in a low chair near where he lay, and played a wooden flute. The tune was eerie, considering the surroundings. Had he been anywhere else, he might have thought it soothing. 

As he listened to the music the woman produced, he looked at the room in which he lay. The place seemed to be, from what he saw, completely devoid of windows. He had the distinct feeling of being underground. From the echo of the music around him, the place was probably large, and he wondered why there were so few candles lighting the room. There really wasn't much that he could see, though he thought he could hear water dripping underneath the notes from the woman's instrument.

Finally, his eyes came to rest on the woman again. She sat there, her eyes closed, playing her flute. Her hair, skin, and clothing were all pure white. She was an albino. That is, she was an albino, but for the black tattoos that were present over most of her skin. It looked as if dark lightening forked over her entire body. Finally, when she was finished with her song, she pushed the instrument through her belt and looked up at him.

"Damn it." She said sullenly, and took up a bowl that he had not seen before. "I gotta take care of _your _worthless ass…" The albino rolled her eyes as she pulled a cloth from the bowl, wringing liquid from it and dabbing at his shoulder wound.

"Where…where am I?" he asked, still slightly confused (and not a little annoyed by this woman's attitude).

"You're in the damned Pit of Despair, asshole. Don't think about trying to escape. The chains are too bloody thick." When he stared at the door, she snorted. "I hope you're not thinking of being rescued, either, bastard. Only three people have the key to this shit-hole. Me, Prince Orochimaru, and Count Itachi." Naruto blinked. This woman had the foulest mouth he'd ever encountered. That included Genma, and the rest of the crew on board both the _Achillies_ and the _Revenge._ Then, something she said stuck in his mind. There was no way out of here, according to her.

Sighing, he said, "So, I'm stuck here until I die?"

A wicked smile came over her snowy face, skewing black tattoos. "Until Count Itachi kills you." She corrected, then continued dabbing at his wounds.

"Then why bother healing me?" He asked, annoyed.

The blank stare she fixed him with made him cringe. "Itachi likes his specimens to be healthy before they're broken." The woman said this as if it were the most obvious thing on earth.

"Torture? So that's what it's to be…" Naruto sniffed. "I can take it. I've dealt with torture before." Well, if you considered having to work with Genma _torture_, then yes, he had, but there was always the chance that the albino would see through his bluff.

"Shut your yap, ass-wipe. You made it through the Forest of Death, so I have no doubt that you're pretty brave. But no one is brave enough, or strong enough to stand up to Count Itachi's machine." With that, she took up another bowl and poured its contents over his shoulder. Naruto hissed as the burning sensation took over his senses. Whatever was in that bowl must have been a strong antiseptic. It stung like all the fires of hell.

He felt himself fading out again as footsteps rang through the stone chamber. A voice he now identified as that of Count Itachi drifted over to his ears just before he lost consciousness. "So, Tayuya, my dear, how is our specimen?"

* * *

As the day of the wedding approached, tensions ran high in the palace. Sakura felt them, just like everyone else did. She finally had enough of her nightmares and fears that she went to Orochimaru about them. 

"Here's where we stand, Prince. I don't love you. I never have. If you tell me that I have to marry you in a week, then I'll be dead by morning. There's no way that I can live with myself if I marry you." The prince looked up from the map he was studying, which, oddly enough, didn't show any of the neighboring kingdom, but a much larger version of the land in which they currently resided. Sakura filed that information away for later use, and then fixed Orochimaru with a desperate stare.

Dropping the compass he had been using, he rose from his seat, smoothing his robes. "Sakura, darling…are you so unhappy?"

She looked away from him as he approached. "You know I don't love you," she replied. "I love Naruto, and I always will. I cannot marry you."

Orochimaru's smile faltered, only for a moment. "I am sorry. I do not wish to cause you pain, darling. Why do you not write a letter, then? Four copies, and I'll send them by my four fastest ships to find your Naruto. He cannot have gotten far, even if he _is_ on the _Revenge_. When he gets the letter, then he'll come back to you, _if_ he still wants you. You were the one who left him in the Forest of Death, you know." His voice had gone slightly low, as if he were trying to make fun of her. "But, on the off chance that he still wishes to be with you, I'll even pay for the wedding, and bless you both."

"How…kind of you," she mused, still not sure how to take this new development.

"If he does not want you, however, please consider me as an alternative to taking your own life?" She nodded distractedly, already thinking of what she should put in her letter that would make Naruto spare no speed in his return.

* * *

"Kidomaru!" he yelled, and moments later, the dark-haired man knelt at his side. 

"Yes, sire?"

"Kidomaru, how goes the preparations for my wedding? Will the palace be secure?"

Nodding with confidence, the captain of the guards said, "Yes, your highness. There will be thirty men guarding the only gate, and I carry the sole key to that entrance. We will be safe."

He had to make this look good. It must be convincing! Grabbing hold of the man's tunic, he hauled him up from the floor. "I've become aware, recently, of a plot to kill my fiancé, Kidomaru."

The captain's eyes widened. "I know of no such plot. My spies—"

"Hang your spies!" Orochimaru roared, tossing the man aside. "I will not have her killed, I tell you! I want the Thieves' Wood emptied! I'm certain that they'll be hiding there." He began pacing in feigned agitation. Beneath this, he was actually almost giddy with glee.

"But sire, I do not have enough men to spare for such a task, and—"

"Excuses! I'll not have them! Form a brute squad if you're short-handed, man! Use your _brain_ for once!" Kidomaru bristled slightly at the insult. He was, to say the least, a competent man, but it would be more accurate to say that he was quite intelligent, and extremely observant, which was why Orochimaru found it necessary to use such tactics with him.

"Yes, highness." The man kept his eyes on the floor.

"Thank you, Kidomaru. You are a good man." Orochimaru laid a hand on the man's broad shoulder, and the captain smiled, truly pleased with the praise. _Naïve fool._ When the darkly tanned man had gone, Orochimaru settled down in his chair once again, and looked at the newly drawn map before him. He grinned broadly. Annexing that small neighboring country would do nicely once the war was done…

* * *

Was the room…spinning? No, that would just be him. 

Sasuke blinked and squinted at the ceiling, which was what he now stared at. He really hadn't been _trying_ to get drunk…but as usual, it happened anyway. His now-empty bottle of brandy rolled along the floor until it came to rest next to his left ear. "I'm going to have a headache, aren't I?" He spoke to no one in particular, and of course, no one in particular answered him. The room was unusually quiet, actually. "Barkeep!" He slurred, sitting up and wavering a bit, "More brandy!"

It took three tries for him to grab the edge of the table, and he grumbled as he did so. Finally, his fingers found the edge. "Ugh." His dark eyes clenched shut as he pulled himself up. The room spun even without him being able to see it, and he fell down again. Maybe if he flipped over? He did so, and found that he could push himself up onto all fours, and then knelt unsteadily for a long moment. His eyes went in and out of focus, and for a long time, he couldn't tell where he was. Then, he remembered. The pub. He was in that God-forsaken hell-hole that he had met Shikamaru Vizzini in, and he would stay there and wait for him damn it! That's what the little man had told him to do, and that's what he _would_ do!

"Barkeep!" he yelled again, but got no answer. Though the position of the sun outside the window told him that it was yet before noon, he was rather unsure as to why no one else was in the bar. There wasn't even anyone tending to the liquor. Anyone that knows anybody addicted to the drink knows: you never put the addict in a room full of alcohol…alone. Sasuke somehow (after six successive falls) managed to drag himself over to the bar.

Setting up two glasses, he poured one of brandy, and the other of ale. "Well, Vizzini…" He grasped his ale-cup, "I'm-a waiting for you. You told me…go back to the _beginning!_" And since the pub was where he met the little Sicilian, then that was where he would find him again. It was just a little boring to drink alone. But, as always, he could manage. Sipping the golden liquid, he remembered the way he met Shikamaru Vizzini.

* * *

Six years ago, in the Pub of the Drunken Rooster… 

The place was crowded, smoke hanging thick in the air from too many pipes. Someone was smoking something that looked like a Moorish hookah. Had he not been a-drink, Sasuke would have found the smell to be repulsive. But…there was a lot he could put up with for a bottle of good brandy. And right now, he needed it. Earlier, in the afternoon, he had been unceremoniously terminated from his position as a caravan guard. Who knew that being inebriated was not good for that line of work? It wasn't as if he were any less dangerous when he'd had a bottle or two of a good stiff drink. However, as he found out, his employer didn't see things the same way. So, he had been given his pay for the week, and tossed out.

Now he was just sitting, drinking, and trying to ignore the prostitute that was eyeing him up and down. On any other day, he might take her up on what those big blue eyes were offering, but not today. He needed his money for food, and drink. Mostly drink. The woman's eyes narrowed at his face before she gave a snort and flounced off.

A moment later, a large hand grabbed his shoulder. Turning his head to glare at the man who dared to touch him while he was drinking, Sasuke found himself having to look up. He was tall, with a brutish face, and a patchy beard. "Oi," the man growled, "I see you don't like my girl."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "And?"

"And I think you need to apologize. She's a very lovely lady." The man's breath was…putrid. He must have been smoking a dead cat, for the way Sasuke's eyes watered. Shrugging the hand off of his shoulder, he brushed imagined dirt away, and turned back to his brandy. That's when the hand took hold of the back of his jacket and lifted him off of his feet. Suspended as he was, Sasuke had his brandy in one hand, the other dangling next to the sheathed sword at his waist. "Little man," The enormous ruffian growled, "I'm gonna have to teach you some manners, aren't I?"

"Is this really necessary?" the bartender asked, annoyed. He only received a glare of epic proportions from the black eyes of the man holding Sasuke.

"Butt out, pops," came the reply from the huge man.

"Barkeep?" Sasuke asked politely.

"Yes, sir?"

"Can you hold my brandy for a moment?" He asked this as his left hand stretched out, giving the glass over to the old gentleman behind the dirty bar. All he got was a nod in reply. "Thank you." He then returned his attention to the man holding him. "What is your name?"

One eyebrow rose, and the man scoffed. "You can call me Brom."

Sasuke rolled his shoulders as best he could, since he was still dangling in midair. "Well, Mr. Brom…I'll give you to the count of three to put me down." That only made the man laugh, while he used his grip on Sasuke's jacket to throttle him. When Brom had done shaking the daylights out of him, he rolled his eyes again. Sighing, he said, "Just remember, when you're bleeding to death on the floor…it was your fault, sir." Confusion entered the man's eyes for an instant before Sasuke's left hand grasped the scabbard of his sword and jerked it upward sharply. The blade flew from the leather covering, and he caught it in his right hand. After he used the basket guard to hit the man's windpipe, Brom dropped him, and Sasuke proceeded to deliver a slash to the man's chest. "Oh…" he said, rather embarrassed.

"Barkeep," Sasuke's voice was polite again. "I forgot to ask you, since this seems to be _your_ establishment. Would you prefer that I leave this miserable piece of driveling idiocy alive, or should I put him out of his misery?" The old man simply gaped at him. "Sir," Sasuke said in an attempt to clarify, "I am no murderer. If this man persists in his assault on me, I will defend myself, to protect my body and my honor. But, if you wish it, I will have the _lady_ remove him from the premises without delivering further injury."

Suddenly, a woman stepped out from behind a curtain, her eyes flashing. Apparently, this was the barkeep's wife. "No killing, you little whelp. Throw him outside, and if you want, you can beat him to a pulp, but don't kill him."

With a courtly bow, Sasuke smiled at the woman. "My thanks, lady. I will dispose of this…garbage." He received a terse sentiment from the woman, and was soon back on his stool, having aided the prostitute in dragging her employer from the building. Sitting again, he took up his glass. Before he could raise the liquor to his lips, another hand touched him. Sighing, he said, without turning, "I am not going to fight anyone else tonight. If you wait until tomorrow, I may oblige you." This happened often. He had been forced to render incapacitated several gentlemen in a bar in Florence, a couple of years earlier, when they decided that it was their duty to test his skills after he bested one of their friends.

"Oh," came a rather sly voice near his ear (to which clung a thick Sicilian accent), "I'm not interested in fighting you, sir. In fact, were I to attempt any such thing, I may find myself in a very prickly situation. No…I have a business proposition for you."

Sasuke's left eyebrow rose, and he glanced at the speaker from the corner of his eye. The man was short, with dark hair pulled into a short sort of bunched topknot that was a bit spiky, and he wore dark green clothes that looked like they would blend in very well in most places. There was an exceedingly shrewd look to the dark eyes that regarded him, which meant that he immediately labeled this man as two things: annoying, and dangerous. But, as most times when he was close to being drunk, his judgment was a bit impaired. "And what may that be, my friend?"

* * *

That was how it all began. And since then he had been in the business of professional troublemaking. They made decent money, that was sure. But that decent money was running out, and Shikamaru Vizzini was nowhere to be found. Speaking people not to be found…where was the bartender? 


End file.
